A Heavy Feeling

Everyday hundreds or even thousands of people die, from newborn babies to little children, to teenagers, to mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, each one no matter what age, we find that they were gone too soon. 

Often we have this feeling that there’s always a tomorrow, and it’s a positive thing because we are made to hope, but at one point there will be no tomorrow and everything will just go black, and in a blink of an eye we’ll be facing our Maker. At 21, there are times that I feel so old but haven’t really done anything worthwhile to prove that I have lived a life that was given to me. People my age would mostly say that we are young and that the road ahead is long, but we can’t always guarantee that. With these youth roots within us, we want to live recklessly, to make as many mistakes as we can, to just live a life of freedom without regrets and I believe that because I want that but it also makes me think that what if I live a reckless life full of mistakes and never get to make up for them tomorrow? 

Death actually scares me. I cannot describe how but when I think of it, tears just automatically well up in my eyes and the emotions just run through even when there’s no one to really mourn. Death is such a heavy feeling that everyone will experience. I guess for me, it’s not the idea of death that scares me but actually of not being with Jesus after death.

I can never refer myself to even an inch of close to being a good Christian at the moment, but I cannot deny that all those years spent with God cannot make me doubt His love for me and that no matter what black hole I let myself fall into, He will never let go of my hand, instead He falls with me.

There are moments when I look up the sky and feel like it is endless, but realize like all things, it ends. My life in this world will end. I won’t know if I’ll live long enough to reach 40 or even have my own children but I guess right now at this moment, I am just thankful of the life that God has given me and that I cannot promise for now, but will try my best to be good enough of a person worthy to face Him.

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