In an Uncertain World

Uncertainties in life threaten our hold on security and it must be one of the scariest feeling in the world. Even though the cliche goes that we have to step out of comfort zone to experience ‘real life’, you can’t not think about just diving into what you want head on because let’s face it, you can’t really live a life without having to worry about what you’re gonna eat for the day or the roof you’re gonna live in. And that’s the biggest factor hindering us in thriving for our dreams.

At least for me, it is.

If I only had it my way, I wouldn’t work in the corporate world. I would want to be a writer full-time where I get to travel to places I want to go and catch some inspiration from them. But how can I do that when I don’t have the money to support it. I feel like I’m being a pessimist right now because of my views, but this is the real world and life is never fair. 

I’ve been feeling down for the past few month because of this and the fact that I’m frustrated with my current job because I’m not doing what I love and actually, there’s not much money in doing what I love because when you’re a starting writer, there’s really nothing. But I do hope someday, even just in the sidelines I get to do my dream.

Amidst all these worries and uncertainties, I always end up doing something I regret because of depression but I am just amazed at how God never forgets to give me reminders of His love and support. I was checking my emails today when a daily verse really struck my situation at the moment:

“I TELL YOU, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WHAT YOU WILL EAT OR DRINK; OR ABOUT YOUR BODY, WHAT YOU WILL WEAR.  IS NOT LIFE MORE IMPORTANT THAN FOOD, AND THE BODY MORE IMPORTANT THAN CLOTHES?  LOOK AT THE BIRDS OF THE AIR; THEY DO NOT SOW OR REAP OR STORE AWAY IN BARNS, AND YET YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER FEEDS THEM AND WHY DO YOU WORRY ABOUT CLOTHES?  SEE HOW THE LILIES OF THE FIELD GROW.  THEY DO NOT LABOR OR SPIN.  YET I TELL YOU THAT NOT EVEN SOLOMON IN ALL HIS SPLENDOR WAS DRESSED LIKE ONE OF THESE.” ( MATTHEW 6:25-26; & 28-29 )

So right now, I won’t worry that much anymore because somehow God has given me assurance that He will always be there to help me and that He has a plan for me, I just need to practice patience a bit more harder.

I guess I can’t say I’m instantly cured of my feeling of uncertainty, from time to time, it’ll always sprung up but I’m just really glad that I know God is there for me. So please, Lord, help me achieve something fulfilling in my life.

A Heavy Feeling

Everyday hundreds or even thousands of people die, from newborn babies to little children, to teenagers, to mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, each one no matter what age, we find that they were gone too soon. 

Often we have this feeling that there’s always a tomorrow, and it’s a positive thing because we are made to hope, but at one point there will be no tomorrow and everything will just go black, and in a blink of an eye we’ll be facing our Maker. At 21, there are times that I feel so old but haven’t really done anything worthwhile to prove that I have lived a life that was given to me. People my age would mostly say that we are young and that the road ahead is long, but we can’t always guarantee that. With these youth roots within us, we want to live recklessly, to make as many mistakes as we can, to just live a life of freedom without regrets and I believe that because I want that but it also makes me think that what if I live a reckless life full of mistakes and never get to make up for them tomorrow? 

Death actually scares me. I cannot describe how but when I think of it, tears just automatically well up in my eyes and the emotions just run through even when there’s no one to really mourn. Death is such a heavy feeling that everyone will experience. I guess for me, it’s not the idea of death that scares me but actually of not being with Jesus after death.

I can never refer myself to even an inch of close to being a good Christian at the moment, but I cannot deny that all those years spent with God cannot make me doubt His love for me and that no matter what black hole I let myself fall into, He will never let go of my hand, instead He falls with me.

There are moments when I look up the sky and feel like it is endless, but realize like all things, it ends. My life in this world will end. I won’t know if I’ll live long enough to reach 40 or even have my own children but I guess right now at this moment, I am just thankful of the life that God has given me and that I cannot promise for now, but will try my best to be good enough of a person worthy to face Him.

Inside

I don’t know if it’s a common deominator for most people that they tend to torture themselves, especially emotionally, to make due for the mistakes done in the past but for me, I realize that I have become somewhat a person like that.

Growing up, I find myself to have a life that I can say is ‘lucky to be unlucky.’ I don’t want to divulge any personal feelings about my life through a blog but I can empathize with people who have grown up being emotionally scarred by the people who I have grown up with and where a place can only be called a house and not a home. 

I tend to complain a lot about my life to myself and to God, and most of the times it hits me that there are worse people that have gone and are going through life at its most worst. And I could admittingly say that I would not trade my life with the person who lives on the streets with just a cardboard and starving stomach. I’ve learned to be grateful of what I have, although sometimes it still slips and I would wish to have another life, I am always gutted by the fact that other people out in the world have less and still find it within them to be happy.

I’m not a person who can find happiness amidst pain, sorrow and darkness. I think if I had grown up with an abusive childhood, I would be gone now. I have realized that I am a depressing person and often my writings, fiction and poetry, consist of pain and sorrow. I guess most part of my life I grew up in fear, loss and feeling alone. Those three things can seriously alter one’s view of life. I guess that’s why I write so much painful stuff because it brings the pain out somehow, although never enough to make it disappear. Sometimes, it even intensifies it.

I have always wanted to escape. All my life I wanted the idea of escaping and after everything, I cannot simply summarize into one word what I want to escape from. I used to say ‘life’ but realized that that is what I want, a life, where I don’t feel trapped or the feeling of being alone and scared doesn’t bother me in a dark way but I want to feel excitement out of it knowing I can get something out of life.

Most of the time I just feel stuck. And I write and read painful stuff just to torture myself because I know that even being emotionally scarred, I’m not innocent. I’ve done and still do things that are a result of the scarring. And I hate myself for those actions but most times I believe I do them because it momentarily takes me away from all the feelings I don’t want inside me. 

No one really knows me, and if they did, I guess they wouldn’t be liking the person inside. I don’t like me inside. 

And I want to change that. But change is such a strong action that it makes it easier said than done. Change doesn’t come in a day, week, month or even a year. It begins with willingness and I don’t know if I have that yet. Maybe a spark of it, which I want to light so very badly into a flame that causes wildfire. 

I just wanna be me, but somebody else.

Fallen Too Far

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I have always loved reading a book that made my heart hurt. It meant that the story totally gets to me and carves a deep meaning within.

Just a year ago, I had started reading novels of American indie writers and have fallen in love completely with them! I have been reading their novels nonstop for the past year and I gotta say that on the top of my list is Abbi Glines’ Too Far novel series.

I had completely fallen in love with Rush and Blaire’s story and couldn’t get enough of it. I think I had read ‘Fallen Too Far’ for like ten times, going back to scenes I love the most over and over again. I did the same with its sequel, ‘Never Too Far’. I had just finished the last book, ‘Forever Too Far’ and it feels bittersweet because I’m satisfied on the happy ending but also sad because there will be no more upcoming books to look forward to.

I have to say that this series made my heart hurt all the way. I shed a lot of tears reading Blaire’s story and really admired her strength. Sometimes I wish I could be as passionate and strong as she is. And Rush… Sigh…. Yes, you could not say Rush Finlay’s name without a long passionate sigh. He is like the perfect Bad Boy Prince Charming and although it’s a cliche of a storyline where the bad boy changes when he falls for the ‘one’, I loved how Abbi still made their story unique in a kind of way. And with Abbi’s writing, you could almost feel the words inside you, like feeling what Rush and Blaire’s emotions were as they tell their story.

That’s what I love about Abbi’s novels, it gets to you, right through the heart where it hurts so good! Out of the Too Far Series, I’ve also read ‘Breathe’ (the innocent version of it haha) and instantly fell in love with Jax and Sadie’s story. I’m excited to re-read the novel’s uncut version, probably right after I finish this entry! I’m planning on reading the other books in the Sea Breeze series too, where ‘Breathe’ is a part of. I’ve also read the Vincent Boys series which was also to die for! I can’t help it, I am officially an Abbi Glines fan!

Yet I can say that the Too Far Series will be my top love for a while. I find it hard to let go of characters that I have come to love in books and I always go back flipping the pages to relive the story. And I know for sure that is exactly what I’ll be doing for the next few days or even weeks with ‘Forever Too Far’.

Characters in novels are like people you meet in your everyday life, they leave a mark once they’ve imparted their life with you. And no matter how long the time has pass by, they will always have a place in my heart. I thank Abbi Glines for giving us stories like Rush and Blaire’s, where one learns how life is always about love and forgiveness, and that sometimes choosing to let go can lead you back to your happiness.

I am certain that I will have Rush and Blaire hangover for a while but it will be all right because I will just go flipping back to the pages when I miss them. And every once in a while, I like the feeling I get when the heart hurts because it reminds me that life without pain can never know the true meaning of being happy.

I can’t wait to read spin-off novels of the other characters from the Too Far Series. Wood’s first novel, “Twisted Perfection’ was just awesome and I can’t wait for its sequel, ‘Simple Perfection’. I’m also looking forward to Grant’s story where I hope his the ‘one’ will be Harlow! And I know Rush and Blaire will be making appearances in their story which makes me more excited! Can’t wait!

For an overview of the Too Far Series and other Abbi Glines novels, head on over to http://www.abbiglines.com to know all about it!

Getting Out to Dream Big

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It’s always easing saying, “Dream Big” and yes, everyone should but making all those big dreams turn into reality is harder when you don’t have much. Successful people always say that with perserverance, patience and belief in your dreams, you can make it. But it’s hard to just go out there and wing it when you don’t have that one thing that will get you to the starting line: money.

I know a lot of people came from nothing to success and they are actually the people that I look up to because they are able to make it even through rugged paths. But not everyone has enough rugged experience in life to be able to survive everything. I feel like all my life I have been in the ‘in-between’ and whenever I try to move forward, at some point, there will always be something to pull me backwards.

Sometimes I wished I had grown up in a more liberated country because having my life as it is now, I feel like I could have made it more independent if I wasn’t here. Because then, I think I would have gone out on my own at an early age. Here, it’s quite impossible since everything is about status, at least that’s what I grew up to learn.

I have learned to accept my life because I have realized that I cannot wave a magic wand for everything to change but I also want to be able to change the life I have now. I don’t want to be forever stuck of always feeling bad, of having people who don’t care and understand around you, of feeling insecure and especially feeling weak. Years ago I would have included feeling alone in that list but after having experience the feeling of loneliness, I have learned to embrace it and let myself feel that being alone doesn’t have to be bad and that it doesn’t last forever.

People will always misjudge me, misunderstand me, and never get along with me but I don’t want to waste my life away trying to be perfect for somebody, trying to be somebody’s friend, trying to just be accepted. I’ve been to that ‘trying-too-hard’ stage and it doesn’t make you feel better, it sucks as a matter of fact.

Dreams are rooted with one’s faith, patience, perserverance and imagination. And before, I always thought that I needed to get tons of money to be able to make what I want to happen, and in a way, it’s true but I don’t want my life to be all about the money and forget the dreams. 

I want to be able to dream and live BIG even if all I’ll ever have is just enough, and often times not enough but that’s why people wing it: trying to make whatever they just have and just making it.

I used to think that money could solve everything but now I realize it won’t, but I have also learned that I need to get out, just leave, to be able to get to where I want to be. And somehow, someday not far away anymore, I might just do it. Just leave and start being happy.

Disneyland: The Land for All Children

It’s been 2 months since I wrote here. Yet again a long interval of time which only means how boring my life has been for the past 2 months.

Though some good did happen since I had the chance to visit Hong Kong for the first time just 2 weeks ago for vacation and some personal business. I would say that my best experience of the trip would be going to Hong Kong Disneyland! My inner child will never die even if I’m 50 when it comes to Disneyland. I think I’ll still will want to go even when I’m old and wrinkly.

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One thing I love the most about Disney is that almost all their fairytales are set in a ‘vintage’ setting. I couldn’t get enough! I felt like I was in the middle ages and in the 1950s! I love it! I could live there my whole life haha! What I didn’t expect to love was Tarzan’s treehouse! You had to ride a large raft to get to it and it was like a mini island and the treehouse was huge and so awesome! If I got lost in the jungle, I wonder if I could be able to build something like that haha! I think it would take me more than 10 years! So of course, I need my own Tarzan to get lost with me! Hihihi ❤

I was also so excited to have met Princess Aurora, Belle, Pooh and Mickey! I especially loved meeting Princess Aurora and Pooh, my two favorite Disney characters. We chased down the schedule of having our picture taken with the Sleeping Beauty because they cut the line every 15 minutes after their appearance! And then it would be an hour again before they reappear. Mickey and the gang, along with Winnie the Pooh had their own little village space where they conduct their photo ops. You easily know who are the royals of Disney and of course, Pooh Bear is included since he is only the most top selling character of Disney! (Yes, it’s not Mickey!)

My friends and I tried really hard to ride everything in Disneyland, and we actually did except for the very kid rides. We even went to watch the Golden Mickeys where they award the Disney characters and the theme at that time was bravery. We also got to see the parade and it was awesome! The princesses appeared and oh my, their dresses were to die for and of course all of their beauties were out of this world. Sigh, every girl dreams or dreamt of becoming a princess. And I was one of them! 🙂

Anyway, I’ve got a few pics to share. I haven’t uploaded everything yet since I need to edit because I only brought my iPhone with me to my trip and all my other great pics are in my friend’s camera which she hasn’t uploaded yet! But these are the ones I’ve shared through my instagram and are a balance or art/scenery and vacation photography 🙂

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The huge fountain just in front of the gates to Disneyland. It’s awesome! 🙂

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This is the animation academy just near the entrance of Disneyland wherein you can see the different sketches of how Disney characters were drawn. And they have some awesome tricks of animation inside too! They actually have classes that will you teach you how to draw some of the characters.

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This was a corner inside the animation academy where sketches and screencaps of the Disney film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were portrayed. I especially liked the interior decoration.

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Vintage street shop decors were my favorite! It felt like you were Cinderella going shopping into town for yor gown to the Royal Ball!

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And don’t you just love this shot? I felt like I lived in the time of castles and royalties when I saw this and just had to take a picture of it. It actually reminded me of my fave Brit series, Merlin, which I really miss watching! Oh Arthur 🙂

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Toy Story Land! Where all Andy’s toys were blown up into the size of giants and where also the most scariest ride in HK Disneyland is found! At least for me! I didn’t even dare try it!

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Went inside Andy’s toybox to look for some souvenirs!

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Winnie the Poooooh! Unfortunately I wasn’t able to experience the inside of this because the waiting time was 1 hour and 45 minutes which was ridiculous! But I vow to be able to get inside when I come back! I actually can’t believe I let this pass! WHY???? WHY?!!!!

ImageEven if he is imaginary and has a big tummy, this silly old bear will always be my best friend 🙂

ImageI could actually see myself opening a shop like this! Well, I’ve always wanted to live in Hundred Acre Woods! Really!

ImageWe ate at the Royal Banquet Hall where it was designed to let you feel like you were dining and attending the Royal Ball. It was decorated with ivory sculptures of the famous Disney love couples. I had only captured Cinderella and…

ImageSleeping Beauty, of course! This was in the middle of the entrance and when I first saw it, I instantly fell in love with it and felt the romantic aura of it!

ImageI’m also a sucker for wishing wells so when I saw on the map that there was one in Snow White’s Grotto, I just had to take a picture! And those white lovelies behind me are…

ImageSnow White and the seven dwarfs, of course! Plus a little frog haha! I wish they had put color in these scupltures so it would look more lively!

ImageYiii! My heart is fluttering! (hence the heart frame haha!) I hate that my picture with Pooh became blurry because the lighting wasn’t that good and it was nearing evening also, so less natural light. Still I love this shot of ours! ❤

ImageBut I was so happy to have a clear photo with my favorite princess, Aurora! She is so beautiful and oh so nice! I get it that it’s their job to be like that, still I felt that the person was really nice and I of course brought out my inner 5 year old and looked at her with awe and wonder! Aurora ❤

ImageWe stumbled upon Belle just after meeting Aurora and she was equally beautiful and nice! I just hoped she was in her beautiful gold gown though.

ImageI literally couldn’t take my eyes off the treehouse view while we were waiting in line. Tarzan’s amazing abode was awesome! This has got to be my favorite spot and if this were a real home, I’d volunteer to live here! This is seriously surreal and if you didn’t know this was only a theme park attraction, this would be an awesome private resort and/or home!

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A Welcome note from Jane at the treehouse! Seriously, one of the most romantic disney couples are Tarzan and Jane! I wanna watch the movie again!

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Mama Kala and baby Tarzan. Whenever I watch Tarzan, I am always brought to tears at the beginning of the film where his parents are still alive. You could really see and feel the love and bond they have as a family, and that’s really nice. It was just unfortunate Tarzan never got to know his real parents.Image

This was is the newest attraction in HK Disneyland and it was the its opening day at the time we were there. This attraction was named “Mystic Point” and I literally squeaked when I saw the victorian themed house! Houses like these were the houses of my dreams! I simply loved it and I just had to go inside! It was a ride where you get to see the Professor’s historical and magical collections gathered from all over the world. It was a ride for kids but nevertheless, I loved it! I still am a kid, I believe that I am haha!

ImageThis was a decoration behind the house and I couldn’t resist snapping a photo because if its very “vintage” and “art” feel!

ImageAnd I love this shot where I took just behind some trees and it turned out like it was a discovery of a secret house! Love love love it!!!

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It was night time already when we slowed down and just walked along the 1950s theme road where some real cafes and the souvenir shops were. I literally looked liked this in every shop decoration on the street because we couldn’t go inside and I desperately want to see its inside. I look like a beggar, I know but I really can’t help it haha!

My favorite shot of the magical land is..

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The town clock overlooking the Sleeping Beauty castle! I just absolutely love this shot! Everytime I look at this photo I fee like I’m transported to a fairytale setting where I can live the lives of Aurora and Cinderella! i just wished the castle was a place we could inside to! I heard in California, the castles in disneyland housed the amazing suites! I saw a picture of the Cinderella suite and OH MY GOSH I wanted to fly to California and book a room if only I had the money! It was literally amazing just by picture! Sighhh….

And so there it is my Disney trip! I wish to come back soon and to be able to visit the other Disneylands too! I guess I’ll have to add all Disneyland to my bucket list haha! Walt Disney has truly made us believe that no imagination is impossible to create into reality and that anywhere, anytime, there will always be…

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Leather Journal Love!

I’ve been searching for a leather journal for so long and I’m so happy I finally the one for me! Leather journals are very expensive, and the ones I find in our local stores aren’t really my type. I was actually supposed to purchase one from an online site from the UK, when I stumbled upon Alunsina Handbound Books! They have very reasonable price rates and what’s even greater about it is that it’s local and handmade! Pinoy Pride!

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There are so many designs to pick from, so I couldn’t help myself and bought two! There’s something different when you write in a leather journal with ivory paper, the vintage feel is such a great feeling. Sometimes I feel like a person from the past haha! Plus, I’m such a sucker for old-fashioned packaging, like how they wrap parcels in the past, so I was so happy when I saw the packaging of my journals! So cool!

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I’m really oh-so glad that I found out about Alunsina Handbound books. I’m planning having leather journals here on out and I know just where to buy them! Their journals are perfect for every writer!

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Alunsina Handbound Books also ships internationally!

You can find them at:

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